tl;dr – 2017 has been a year far beyond extreme, and it continues to be so in 2018. Rob, the plush lions and me: a cosmic roar in the here and now and in a multiverse without end. My marriage with J ended: I’m divorced.
The sudden swoop
Moving in with Rob
Rob in the air
The not-vegan, whistle-lollipop
Part I, The Roar
tl;dr Rob made me realize that I didn’t have a good marriage. Rob also made me realize that I was clinging to this marriage, whereas I should have let go. And so I did let go, albeit after Rob’s passing.
More than a year has passed and it has been a constant roar. And 2018 also shows no signs of decline. I’ll be looking back on 2017 as a year of staggering extremes, constant, especially nightly, ecstasy, even much more than in 2016, and a year of big changes. Like I mentioned before, to me, this bonding with Rob is no fling and has profound impact on my life. Few understood, perhaps even none. And I have to wonder if anybody ever will. By the time you read this blog, my former husband J and I have officially divorced under US law, that requires a minimum of six months and a one day for it to be in effect, so significantly longer than in my country of birth, the Netherlands. It has even taken up ten months.
As I see it, after his passing Rob showed me the way out of this marriage. J and I were never a match to begin with. From the beginning our relationship was bound to lose. The separation didn’t happen overnight and was in fact a very slow, organic process. While Rob was still alive on Earth, he was my hope, my beacon. When he passed away, I was confronted with the immensity of his leaving. My hope seemed crushed, my world glaringly empty. My soulmate was moving even further away. First he was a half-globe away, now he was, who knows where!, but more than a world away, or so it seemed. But then, suddenly, he wasn’t, quite opposite, he returned to me and arrived at my home, in astral form, by lack of a scientifically sound word. I would almost say: by the grace of God, if I would have believed in “God”. It is without any doubt the best “thing” that ever happened to me and “out of this world”.
I once wrote Rob, “I can’t leave J, I love him too.” I shouldn’t have said the part about the not being able to leave J, because now I regret it. I should have left J while Rob was still alive, even if Rob would have chosen his longtime girlfriend Jolanda over me. Rob did write to me, “I hope I don’t have to move and to America I’ll probably never go”:
Rob had thought about him and me and we even had a short “fight” over it, causing a troubled break-up in our contact, but his behavior wasn’t very obvious. Rob was always moving like a turtle, slow and precautious, his sign language always very subtle.
However, the tide had come and the ship had sailed. Rob was now on “the other side”. He was like moving in with me, through the lions, with all his love, tenderness and support, his immense caring, his never letting go, especially in my darkest hours that would follow in the turbulent years after his passing. In my thoughts I said to Rob, and I still repeat it, “Rob, you have free access to my entire mind and body. Do what you want with me.” I trust Rob completely!
J and I had no modus vivendi anymore and we in fact never did have a proper one. To start with something positive though. Our best, most harmonious and true fun hours were the hours that we watched old TV series together, snuggled cozy together on the couch or on a mattress installed specially for the occasion in front of the computer screen. We watched hundreds of episodes (all seasons) of them, such as Little House On The Prairie and Knight rider, and tons of movies downloaded through The Pirate Bay too. We also had a subscription to the cinema and went to watch all the new movies. We did share almost an identical taste in movies and old TV series. These were the hours that no further communication was needed.
But in the hours that communication was required, it went as wrong as it could go wrong. From the start this resulted in severe, very unsavory escalations about which I will not give any further details, but they regularly put me on the brink of nervous breakdown causing real physical side effects as well. Sometimes I told J about it, but in no way did he acknowledge me or my very troubled state of mind and body. It always seemed that a) he didn’t listen and b) he didn’t hear a thing I was saying. And on several life events, both physically and spiritually, when I needed J the most, he wasn’t there for me. Keywords: – trouble in Scheveningen sea!, – Very severe, even as far as to my forehead expanded molar infection, the time it took my body to fully recover was about three years, – Robbert van den Broeke and Stan and – Rob Nanninga.
I didn’t tell anybody, except a fraction of it to my sweet Dutch neighbor Babs Jol. She passed away rather young at the age of 60, in December 2016. But since Rob’s passing, I was following an alternate heartbeat altogether. Our marriage had become empty, and since a couple of years already, J’s affection towards me seemed to decrease. He pulled away from me, our physical and spiritual contact slipping away faster every day. Our contact, based on past events, didn’t seem to be able to behold a future anymore.
After Rob’s passing, I finally acknowledged that my heart belonged to Rob, and to Rob only. I felt like cheating on him with J, apologizing about it to Rob in my mind. But it seemed Rob totally understood and gave me all the time I needed, a couple of years, to unravel the whole mess I had gotten myself into. Still I have to ponder what would have happened, if I had left J before Rob’s passing.
Since his passing in 2014 it seems I am living with Rob in some kind of parallel, or multiverse world. In Lion Hearts III, I already mentioned the fact that Rob was started to call himself “Bor” in some of his mails after seeing the movie “Another Earth” (2011):
He began to call himself “Bor” in the signing of some of his emails since November 8, 2011. When I asked him if he had seen the movie “Another Earth” about two earths, he told me he hadn’t seen it yet, but after receiving my email about it, in the meantime he had, and concluded his email with the name “Bor”.
The emails thus ending with this “parallel-world name” were the e-mails in which he was most laid back. I don’t know if he used this name in emails to me only.
The idea of a second, twin or Counter-Earth is not the same as the concept of a Parallel or Multiverse world. The two concepts do have in common that they both suggest that strange things are going on in our universe, and that there’s much more than meets the eye.
In my mind’s eye I see how Rob and I are together in this other world (and it’s still here too somehow), in a thousand different and happy situations. A reoccurring mind movie while cycling, is seeing Rob, with a homely apron tied around, faithfully cooking diner for the both of us at our home, while I am getting hungry after hours of cycling. I have been cycling a lot this year too, for mostly four to six hours, sometimes even up to eight hours straight. In my mind, I see Rob, lovingly waiting for me to return home to him. I see him and me in a normal civil life, but one exalted to the best level imaginable.
And in another way, in the night time, I am living with Rob too. Maybe the fact that J and I were never sleeping in one bedroom together (except for on holiday trips, in a tent or hotel) is a telling fact. I wanted it that way, because of my very sensitive nightlife, me being a very light sleeper and an astral traveler. J even learned to appreciate this “freedom”. In terms of alienation we now know whereto this sleeping apart has led. But with Rob it is the other way around. I would certainly like to sleep with Rob in one bed. My bed (and -room) is filled with the plush Rob lions every night and I snuggle extremely close to him and them (and he and they to me), and I know I this is what it would be like with the physical Rob too. The way I see it, and I hope it’s true, is that Rob and I, forced by the very unusual circumstances, have taken to very creative measures, and are indeed living together like this now.
Every time, especially while cycling, when I smell smoking chimneys or just plain California burning, the smell picks me up, reminding me of happy times with Rob in this “parallel world”, and I inhale deeply, seeing the two of us snuggle together at a campfire.1
My choice to live in California was the appropriate one, because fire is what you will smell out here, 2017 being no exception to the rule. In this year, fires blowing over from Napa County made a deep impact on all surround counties, like Solano and Yolo County, where I live. So lots of chances to connect with Rob here through the smell of fire.
To illustrate this, I will give you some photos I made while cycling in 2017, and yes, I am even loving this intense heat level:
J didn’t respond to my blogs about Rob after his passing. Even years before his passing I talked about Rob sometimes, trying to level with J, but then too, found no listening ear. Communication-wise I always was extremely scarcely endowed in this marriage. I myself failed to reach out to friends. I made my own prison. To me it almost seemed it was J or the outer world, not J and the outer world, so I went through this all alone. The opposite of J’s “listening ear” seemed true: J ricochetted my speech in general. I could have fired a thousand canons for almost fifteen years long, which in facto I did , but there was no response, or be it a negative one. I often tried to explain to J what he communication-wise was doing to me, but he didn’t acknowledge it, or sometimes he did, but then with a tone of voice that said: I don’t care. Regularly he even literally said that, “I don’t care”. Being a magpie by nature, I felt muzzled. Finally, I gave up. In the past, with other people, I was perfectly or at least averagely able to communicate normally, but J just couldn’t do it. His version will be that he felt overwhelmed or even intimidated by my strong opinions and/or personality (?). We were no match altogether.
I tried to save this marriage. In fact, I shouldn’t have. At night, for many years, I had a truly incredible amount of nightmares about J and me, and told him about them too sometimes, but then he simply said: “That’s your problem, not mine”. It was the same death-spell on my mind. In the end, when the separation díd happen, there were hardly any tears left in me. My countless nightmares and battles had prepared me. It was almost easy to let go, after many years of burden. This had ended organically, like a tree run out of water, its roots now so shallow, that in the end with one storm, it would fall flat to the face of this Earth, like a tree opposite my house actually did, in 2017 in a wind storm.
As I already mentioned in the previous blog, the last ten years left me stranded in all sorts of ways, job-wise too, because I seemed to have sunken into a swamp of not wanting or doing much anymore, except for cycling. For many hours I was just staring into space, and hours, days, weeks, and even years slipped by. To make this story a fair one, I must mention the fact that family genetics on my father’s side have a tendency toward depression and/or profundity, and I do indeed incline towards my father’s side, so this depression was not something new.The real difference with all other stages of my life was that I never slipped into total lethargy, into literally ánd figuratively living without the music. Before J, I had always remained active socially (job, friends and otherwise). But now I almost had fallen into a sure death of mind.
We stayed together because especially I didn’t want to give up on us. I think if there’s something to “blame” for this long marriage, it would be me, because on several occasions it became clear that J did want to give up. I always wondered if he loved me, he said he did, but I sincerely doubt it. I think I will never know for sure in this lifetime. I do love him very much and always have, and I vowed to myself to never do what my parents did: divorce. For the same reason I decided I wouldn’t bear any children in this lifetime, and I am still happy with my choice, because I wouldn’t want to lay a lifetime of separation issues on my own, now non-existing kids. Also, I always felt the present, extremely off-balance earth is unsuitable for “new” children.
So the marriage was lingering on, on stepping stones of true love and stubborn dedication on my side, but almost impossible to walk on, up to my Lion Hearts Parts IV of January 2017. Then, suddenly, J did awake, like a reversed Sleeping Beauty. Suddenly, he wanted out, and suddenly, he was gone.
Since Rob’s passing, as with a catalyst, I was moving away from J, like being lifted by a loving wave in a deep and roaring sea. There was no way I could have stood there any longer, not since Rob made something very clear to me: this what J and I had was nót a good relationship. No psychobabble could have freed me from my frantic holding on to my ideal about my marriage with J. Only Rob’s very palpable love at night, hence: deeds, not words, embracing me like a physical lover would, could and did lead me in the only right direction: away from this marriage.
J moved out of the house in June 2017. He told me he wanted to move on in that month too, by email. I mention this, because it shows how bad his communication was. He babysat the house of a colleague for a couple of weeks, and by the time that was done, he rented a room in Carmichael. My only option was to respond, albeit in a quite dazed state of mind, because the course of events had taken me by surprise anyway. J suddenly was in a big hurry to move away from me, in all ways thinkable, literally, relation wise and more.To me, it seemed he wanted to format me out of his life as quickly as possible and concrete did all kinds of things to accomplish that, too.
He darted into a new relationship very soon (like in July 2017 or so), even though he always said to me he would never do that, when in the past we sometimes did discuss a separation. His choice of (a) new partner(s) has been revealing to me. I guess I am way too serious, ponderous, linear and consequent and a too deep thinker to his likings. Maybe my blue eyes were too bright for his taste too (people always comment on it, that I have the most blue eyes), and he committed himself to someone who very clearly looks much more like him, both inner and outer. With me, he has felt like walking on his toes. So I think I finally understand.
But there’s more. While finishing this blog, I got an update on J’s “status” and he told me, just like that, standing in a local ATT, because we had to split up the mobile phones account, that he has three (sex) partners. Last year, finally responding to my love for Rob, after reading my Lion Hearts IV, he complained about Rob and me, whereas I never even met Rob and, in all those years, Rob never said one indecent word to me. And you could have read in my previous blogs, I was honest about my feelings for Rob. In 2012 I asked J’s permission to ask Rob to come visit me/us in the US (which he never did). In my marriage I have been very strict monogamous. Not always in thought, but in physical life 100%. So the next day after meeting him in the ATT, I emailed him and said something about this; J blaming me for Rob, and now he has three partners even before signing the final divorce papers? Let me quote him on his current “status” from the answer per email that followed (he didn’t say anything about Rob): “The moment we split up it was over between us, I am not going to waste another year of my life waiting for a piece of paper. So yes, I’ve had two hands full of sex partners since we split up, short relationships, one night stands, polyamorous relationships, friends with benefits..” His partners are polyamorous as well. Just to make sure, I looked up the definition of “friends with benefits”, because it sounded suspicious to me:
J plunged into libertinage about nine months before even signing the final divorce papers in March 2018. It’s strange, but my shrill and horrible nightmares about J almost always were about him not caring about me, running around behind my back with all kinds of others, but then, it didn’t happen. These nightmares about J have stopped, because since Rob passed away, I finally have let J go, Rob was the only one able to lead me away from this ailing marriage. Life works out real weird sometimes.
There were financial arrangements to be made, and a process of lawyers was initiated. Things between J and me got chillier along the way. I took up on two roommates, both UC Davis students, to help cover the high – as it always is in California – cost of the house I am living in. During our marriage, in a practical (like in computer, website or bicycle help) and financial way, J always was a most supportive partner. For many years in our relationship, he was the one earning the most money and for quite some years, especially the years in America, even the single-earner. He always was very generous about it and didn’t complain, even though I was a much bigger spender than he was. In retrospect, at all went sideways, not in the least in this aspect. The divorce has settled on a financial support of him for six years. So I am on slippery ice, but I guess, who isn’t?
Since the Summer of 2017 the house I am living in is occupied by three. I don’t know what I will be doing in the future, but I will be looking for a job.
I haven’t talked about this in public until now, because since 2012 I have a couple of very persistent, literally Stans, from “Stan”= stalker + fan, self-proclaimed medium Robbert van den Broeke and Stan (and his husband Alan). In the year Stan was born, 1989, I changed my own nickname from “Stan” to “Sten”, a fact that Stan discovered himself and often cited in his Stan-mails as proof that there is a cosmic purpose, or something like that, behind the “Robbert van den Broeke-Stan-Constantia connection”. I never responded to Stan about this before, but indeed, Stan, this is something very curious. I would never deny it. In no way however, Stan, this justifies (hate) mailing or obsessing like a broken record over me, like Robbert and you have been doing.
I knew if I would talk about my pending divorce on Twitter or elsewhere, my Stans would abuse the information and they would send me tons of email about just that. it is proven as fact Robbert and Stan spell out everything I say and do in public. Rob Nanninga had given Robbert van den Broeke something to remember for a lifetime. It goes by the name of the Genverbrander case. When Rob passed away, they were silent for a short while and then most horrific hate mail about Rob started coming in through Robbert van den Broeke’s mailbox, because Robbert knew about the Rob-Constantia connection. Rob is to them what I am to them, an adversary, and his passing was a major event to them. You can read more about this strange side story in my life elsewhere.
Both men boast that they are extremely gifted clairvoyants, and they both have been mailing me like crazy in 2017 again, and continue to do so in 2018. Stan tends to be a funny one, often declaring his love to me, even mentioning a couple of times he’s “in love with me” and so often exclaiming “Ik mag je ondanks alles”, “I like you despite of everything”. A smooth talker of epic height like you never have seen or heard before. He even drags his husband Alan into it and to sing along.
In many of their emails, clips and audios of 2017, and of 2018 too, Robbert van den Broeke and Stan talked about J and me, like we still were a married couple. Their clairvoyance does tend to be on the very foggy side, to say the least.
Anyway, this for ten months not talking in public about the divorce that was silently taking place, was the best way to proceed anyway. The reason I am talking right now, is because I sincerely want to explain where it fits in the story of Rob and me. I have given this much thought, and it still isn’t a slam dunk to me, whether or not to talk about my marriage at all, but I tend to feel justified, already having been totally silent about it for about fifteen years. If I don’t tell now, nobody will ever know or understand what happened. My former silence turned out to be an unhealthy thing. But it was good to wait a bit longer. I am even grateful to my Stans, because thanks to them, I had the wild sea unwind first and kept my lips firmly sealed.2 🤐
But now the year has passed, the deed is done, I am sailing with Rob. In fact, I had this wonderful mind image about this on May 29, 2017. I suddenly saw Rob and me on a very nice, old-fashioned boat, intensely happy next to each other, and on the bow, accompanying us, with an equal very happy smile, the Peace Rob Lion, the plush lion that means so much to me, as the other lions do.
Steered away from my marriage with J and extremely happy in Rob’s embrace, I do consider this life of mine as over. I cannot see myself with somebody else. I never looked forward to the possibility of getting old. It always has been an issue with me, even long before I met Rob, because for one, I always acknowledged the disastrous effects getting old has. In the last years I have seen it with both my parents too. I never understood why people are so eager to prolong their lives, to get “at least a hundred”, because Alzheimer’s and other diseases are known to be real fun spoilers.
Age-wise, I do hope I will take the same path as Rob, even though his earthly passing threw me into an abyss of pain. I consider his death-age as the right one for me too. It could even be younger. The high tide of my life is over and I certainly don’t want to wait decades to finally be able to reunite with Rob and so many other loved ones on “the other side” (other worlds). This life has been extremely intense, with, to name a few important things, my family, so many out-of-body experiences, relationships before I met J, divine bird love (that would be another story), and Rob, since I virtually met him, and the Rob/Bor lions. And I have had a wonderful time in California already. The cycling has been an extreme blessing, and nobody can ever take that away from me. It’s in the pocket so to speak.
However, I seem too healthy to die relatively young, caused by my wish to stay in shape, cycling and gym, not smoking, being vegan et cetera. I hope it happens anyway and I hope I have struck a deal with “the cosmos” in this respect. Speaking about health, and since this blog is on the confessional side of things, I confess I have been a daily painkiller user (Excedrin Tension Headache Aspirin-Free, common name: paracetamol with extra strength caffein) and energy drink addict (in the USA: Rockstar) my complete adult life, since the age of seventeen. I am convinced this need for paracetamol and caffein is caused by my severe allergies. Both are really helping me to relieve some of my complaints, though I have to consume more than what would be considered wise. My lifelong allergy medicine Ebas, though very helpful, just doesn’t do it on its own. In Davis, I have to use a multiple of what I used in the Netherlands, because the air quality here is less. On the up side, I never get any colds here, and I had really severe ones in The Netherlands for at least two-three times every year.
Throughout my whole life I have experienced all kinds of strange phenomena during the night, physically speaking too. Sometimes I think I have something that shares some common ground with night epilepsy, with sometimes very nasty seizures/attaques in my arms or legs that always scare me half to death. In my opinion, these seizures are clearly caused by my spirit/mind/consciousness (however you want to call the personal self) not being properly “attached” to my body, my “absence” at night, and hence my not noticing my arms or legs are in some way obstructed or my sleeping limbs once again have been taken to the very edge of being truly “abandoned”. Fortunately, although this very dark phenomenon continues to occur, it’s rather rare. On average the real severe attaques only happens a couple of times each year. Last couple of years it seemed even less, maybe because of Rob’s presence through the plush lions.
I am not sure how this works. I just sometimes wake up with these huger than life attaques, think I am going to die or at least will be paralyzed for the rest of my life, with contractions obviously spurting out from my brain to a (paralyzed) limb or to my whole body. At these moments, out of sheer horror about what is happening, I get a panic attaque, my heart seems to pound out of my body. And I feel I certainly could have had a heart attack on numerous occasions like these, if I would have had a weak heart.
Furthermore, at night I did experience some strange other physical phenomena that I rather not talk about. I am ashamed of them, even though, obviously, they were caused by something in my brain and hence out of my control. And another thing is noteworthy. Regularly I feel this heavy, iron-fog like spell on my head, and to a lesser degree: body. Mostly, it occurs in the morning, directly after awakening, but sometimes I experience a slightly lesser version in the evening too. At times I feel like I can’t move at all. It’s like being frozen in your body, not being able to lift a finger. It could be related to this “night-epilepsy-like” phenomenon.
Without doubt, skeptic alarm will go off at the following, sorry about that in advance. In my book Through The Window (Dutch only) I describe an astral event in the evening of March 1996, in which I felt I was being operated by some unknown, strange, almost mechanical being. This “machine” was there to remove some kind of blood clot in my left temple. The days before I had been feeling this strange, heavy and disturbing pulsing in my temple, and it did feel life threatening, like something I had never experienced before.3 The day after, the problem seem to have been solved.
To summarize the part about my health: I guess I’m not that healthy after all.
Part II Roaring events
tl;dr In 2017, content-wise, my out-of-body and related experiences have been modest. The amount was fairly common, but the astral, lucid et cetera experiences were rather quick, much less intense and much less detailed. The nights and days with Rob and the lions however have been, and still are in 2018, absolutely stunning to extremes unthinkable und unexplainable in words.I will try to explain anyway. To be clear: these experiences with Rob and the lions are taking place in my normal day- and night, not my “astral” consciousness, at least, most do.
It does seem my astral experiences, and dream life too, are picking up considerably in content and intensity again this year, in 2018. Obviously, the divorce that was taking place had this temporary, suppressing effect on my astral and dream experiences. But my astral life is getting back to full steam again! If there will be a Lion Hearts VI, you can read about it later. So on the edge of publishing, I have added another, very recent astral encounter with Rob that dates from the month of publishing, April 2018, so you won’t have to wait another year or more.
The graphs show why 2017 has been no less than one big constant, ecstatic roar. Of course, it hasn’t been a light-hearted year in the light of the divorce, but Rob was there for me, especially in my dark hours, because that’s what Rob is all about: being there without wavering.
Raptures: Orgasmic Outbursts
tl;dr Rob’s Lion Love is as palpable as kissing and love making with a physical lover, but in my opinion even more intimate, because the energy flowing through these plush lions is like pure magic. It’s a mixture of love, belonging, comfort, homecoming, warmth, support, eroticism, excitement, orgasmic outburst, all together and all simultaneously.
This constant love affair with Rob through the plush lions is something out of this world, or so it seems. Some people may be wondering, what on (parallel!?) Earth! (and beyond!) is going on. It started with holding the Rob lions and kissing them on their head. Since the arriving of the septuplet plush lion members, pure magic began to take place:
Along the way every part of these lions seems to have become a tool, an expression of love, the head, the manes, the mouth, the whiskers, the smooth and elegant legs, the body, and last but not least: the tail with its soft, fluffy tuft, with synonyms as “prickle” and “claw”. Bold by me:
Male lions weigh between 150 – 225 kilograms (330 – 500 pounds) and female lions range between 120 – 150 kilograms (260 – 330 pounds). A lions tail length is 70 – 100 centimetres (2 feet 3 inches – 3 feet 3 inches). Their tail ends in a hairy tuft. The tuft conceals a spine, approximately 5 millimetres long, formed of the final sections of tail bone fused together. The lion is the only felid to have a tufted tail and the function of the tuft and spine are unknown. Absent at birth, the tuft develops around 5 months of age and is readily identifiable at 7 months. Source
Both lions and lionesses have tufts on the end of their tails, something no other cat has. If you could touch a male lion’s tail, you would feel a sharp bone tucked into the tail tuft. Source
Maybe the riddle of the concealed spine in the end of the lion’s tail can be solved one day. Their plush counterparts have a very strong erotic charge. In the evening and at night, as soon as I take one or more Rob plush septuplet lion tufts in my hand, while holding a Rob septuplet lion, my body reacts intensely, almost always immediately with orgasmic outbursts. In general, my body responds in a very physical way to Rob’s energy flowing through the plush lions.
I studied the lion septuplet, to find out what it is exactly that turns them into pure lion magic. Like aforementioned, they are perfectly shaped to my body. With their back turned towards me, they snuggle exactly in and under my chest area, under my breasts and with their head under my chin. It’s like two matching puzzel pieces.
When you look at their legs, you could observe they are like extended phallus shaped, and even the combination of the likewise phallus shaped back and legs could be sensually perceived, to those who see it. Surely enough I have been wondering if the man or woman designing these lions did so consciously or unconsciously, or that this sensual look is completely coincidental. This lion septuplet (maybe the multiplet will grow further) is the perfect physical embodiment of magical love. Together these Rob and Bor lions form a temple to my body and mind.
What I am trying to say is that meanwhile Rob’s love is coming through all lion parts. The front legs have become very dominant in the last year, even more than the tail. It’s like magic sparks fly over as I soon as I start holding them. Intense excitement spreads through my whole body without even going through any kind of effort. It has become even stiffer (pun intended): sometimes, I don’t even have to physically touch them, because Rob’s love energy is flying right in front of them and me, like a pure, warm and loving, concentrated love cloud setting off wild-fires of excitement.
Rob seems to use the physical bodies, and their parts, of the plush lions to do what he would have done, would he still have a physical body. For instance, when a plush lion is lying close to me, or against me, Rob, through the paw of the lion, seems to bring my mouth to the lion’s face, to make him kiss him. And he kisses me through this septuplet lion. I know it’s my own body acting as an intermediair, but I strongly doubt that it is my own un/subconsciousness doing all this. I really believe that these “lion ideas” are sprouting from Rob’s intelligent and observant mind. His is energy is very palpable, the lions seem to come alive with Rob’s energy surging through them, often feeling to my touch like a human body would do; Rob’s body.
I know skeptics are allergic to the concept of this kind of energy that to them seems non-existent, but I will put my lioness paw in the fire to pledge to the fact that is exists alright.
Does it ever! I never had that many orgasmic outburst ánd petites morts, with often more than one session in one night. These sessions usually last between thirty minutes and up to about four hours, and sometimes occur more than once in one single night, like one in the evening and then one in the early morning again. I never was devoid of physical pleasure (I even wrote a book about astral love), but this has taken the cake by the trizillions.
I guess it is comparable to what the luckiest people on this Earth experience: a very active and full-filling love life. I think I might even challenge them, because this what I have with Rob is pure magic. These little deaths are not singular too. Rob and Lion-s have a tendency to pick up after a couple of seconds or sometimes a minute or so, or just go one right away, as concatenated orgasmic outbursts. In fact, beside of what can be conceived as the “conventional” orgasm or” little death” happening in almost every session, these Rob lion sessions as a whole seem to be one, big, long (up to four hours) orgasmic outburst, and I am not exaggerating.
I thought about what causes these orgasmic outbursts to come so easily and rapidly. I believe Rob and I are joined at the hip, so I feel what he feels, and vice versa. So if he experiences an orgasmic outburst by means of getting in my arms and touching, embracing and more, through the plush lions, it jumps over right at me, and I experience it too. He must have them all the time. (and hence, so do I, and vice versa).
It is something that I, in outlines, recognized as an astral side-effect in my first book as well: confronted with intense, true love, your body sets off immediately. There is nothing to turn the switch, and why would I want to? Astral traveler Robert Monroe described in one of his books that during one of his astral travels he shook hands with people, and out of that handshake immediate orgasm erupted. Could make up for embarrassing situations in daily life.
In the light of what is happening to me and Rob and the lions, I can only confirm the possibility of such, because I experience similar sexual energy outbursts more than half of all nights since a couple of years. Last year and now, it’s gotten to the point that every night is a hit. Maybe I am a pioneer with these plush lions. I have no clue. I never heard about it, or of even about vague similarities, elsewhere. To me it seems, astral (?) love has descended to Earth, found a physical form (the lions!) and magically erupts like a constant volcano. Also, it is as if Rob is saying to me and the world: you don’t have to wait for Heaven after Earth, I will bring it to you straightaway. But it is much more than what I regarded as “Heaven” in the past. This definitely calls for a redefinition for the concept of Heaven!
Maybe some skeptic reader is wondering by now where my skeptical alert is, warning them. Well, it’s still there. But braiding constants alerts through this story whether or not it is really Rob coming through, is getting kind of old. Everything I write is true and not exaggerated. Quite opposite, I am not quite finding the words to describe what is happening to me, it’s so much more than I am able to explain right here. But maybe change is the greatest proof of all, because my life has changed and Rob is making me a better, much more full-filled person. He’s showing me the way to being a more civilized person too, inside and out. No more ad hominems on internet fora, though I have to thank his and my friend and mega-educator Jan Willem Nienhuys for that too, more self reflection and more decency in behavior in general.
There is some other strange thing going on. It seems as though Rob somehow is settling in my character too. Always a fervent anti-smoking person, since Rob passing, I have the most peculiar tendency to think about picking up a cigarette and starting to smoke. I never even had a cigarette in my mouth and the idea alone appalled me, so this is something noteworthy. Rob was a smoker. Up til now, I have successfully resisted this new impulse and I hope I can keep it up, because I suspect I won’t be helping either Rob or me. Maybe he’s still a little addicted , on “the other side”. Rob’s not being a vegetarian or vegan is kind of reflecting on my mind too. Being vegan for life, I do notice some of Rob’s former eating habits coming through too in my mind, it made me ease up a little on human carnivores and dairy eaters.
And even if one day, somebody would or could rule there is no such thing as an afterlife, it still can be questioned, and be up for discussion, because Rob ís alive. In my life he is, through the lions, through all these many effects he has on me. He’s there, I can very clearly feel it! So, by then we would have to discuss the definition of “being alive”.
Out-of-body and dream related events
Definition of astral
tl;dr From a scientific point of view, I can’t explain how this works, but my out-of-body, dream and related experiences always provide interesting information. Immense wisdom is sprouting from them, uncovering deep foundations of truth about my life and people, birds, places et cetera I love or in other ways having a deeper meaning for me. Furthermore, the “astral” life is like living in parallel lives with several versions of the self.
Life with Rob seems not limited to “static versions of ones self”. Much more, life occurs in several versions of ones self, several first-meetings (!), role plays, not one lion, but a septuplet (basically capable of infinite expansion). It’s truly like living in many versions of parallel worlds, and in this regard the opposite of boring!
On March, 29, 2017 I had this strange astral experience, taking place around a series of concatenated shower cubicles. I was singing, making up the verses along the way, and, surprisingly enough, my voice was well carried and on-key. It was as if I were singing the sentences that Rob sang. I could feel him, far away?, in his astral space, he was the one singing that about me. He ended a verse with: “And wish you were here, all the time.” The event seemed to reveal how he was thinking about me too. So sweet!
On April 4, 2017 I had Peace Bor in my arms, but suddenly, he came a lot closer than he physically already was, moving toward me. The impression was extremely realistic and for a moment I thought this was happening physically. He was pulling me closer to him, enclosing me in his embrace, extremely tight, still pleasant, though very confronting. I fell asleep again, and after awakening some time later, exactly the same thing happened. Again, I saw him up very close , from a slightly higher position than myself, enclosing me, dominant and powerful.
In my perception the Peace Bor Lion has the most gentle, enchanting smile of all lions, but secretly I wonder if he is not the strongest, most alert warrior of all. On July 11, 2017, After the most loving intimacy with him, later on in the night, it seemed as though the lion was not on the same level with me anymore, but higher up in the air. He was intensely wagging his tail, as if to ask for my attention, warning me? This was so realistic that for one moment, I thought it was really happening.
The sudden swoop
On April 30, 2017, I had a powerful dream, from which unexpectedly Rob emerged. To summarize the events, I was in a bare garden and saw a bear who climbed on chairs, dangerously and erratically balancing, now completely stretched, seemingly wanting to escape from the garden.4 I saw two men, possibly father and son, watching the bear from the house, holding something in their hand, maybe they were going to shoot him. Wanting to prevent that, I approached them, and saw that it was no gun but rather a fishing rod they were holding. Suddenly the son, who looked primitive to me, was outside, and real close behind me too. Though shocked, I had little time to be, because lightning fast, he jumped at me, with a beastly lion leap, pulling me to the ground with him, where I landed safely and softly on him. A robust and quite tall man, he was embracing me like mad and it felt so good! I awakened, very moved and excited, too. I felt this was Rob in a very eager reunion. After this I had a very loving and intimate encounter with Rob Jealous lion.
On May 5, 2017, I had this exhaustive dream, I will try to keep it brief though. It seemed to be about Rob’s girlfriend, but it wasn’t Jolanda, but Rob himself, in yet another of his role-playing inventions.5 The dream with astral feel to it was not located in Davis. I was living in a big, light apartment and she was living close-by, in a house/apartment that was on the floor below and positioned diagonally to my apartment.
Somehow, as a gift, I’d left a small grey notebook on her desk. I looked down on her house and saw her at her desk. I wondered if she had found my little gift. Again later, she was standing at my door, asking if I would be willing to help set up her Vrijmarkt stall (Vrijmarkt: Dutch annual event). I said I was painstakingly slow in leaving home, which is true with a capital T, but she convinced me anyway. Now we walked on the street and we agreed on how commercial annual festivities had become. She said: “I am so pleased to finally meet you!” I replied: “Me too!”, and I thought about her kissing Rob, and in that way, her being an important connection to Rob. She was about as tall as I am, of normal posture, with rather short, dark hair with some stroke in it. She bore no resemblance at all to Rob’s earthly girlfriend Jolanda.
Then we were in a bus together. We both had that immediate feeling of belonging together. I was so happy, finally meeting someone who was a match with me! She even gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. It felt very good. I thought to myself, if she continues like this, I want to kiss her, it will bring me closer to Rob.
I asked her if she had found my little notebook gift and she said: “Of course, right away, that wasn’t hard.” She appreciated the gift, I could tell. She said: “I saw you in old movie clips of Koningsdag, you sold things.” In reality, I never sold anything on Koningsdag/Koninginnedag, or it would have to be in a parallel world! I replied: “When was this?” She said with a broad smile: “You sold things with this hyper serious facial expression, for a couple of cents each, so cute! You did it next to the stalls of people who were making big bucks, unlike you.” She was not making fun of me and she obviously was totally charmed by me. After awakening, I got the distinct impression that Rob had used an alias once more to make our “first” meeting easier (again!). 6
— State of affairs in daily life: May 14, 2017: from this day, J’s increasingly absent til June 9, 2017, when he leaves permanently. —
July 23, 2017
This was one of those rare astral journeys where I did meet Rob face to face. But this time, there was no clear runway to a happy and simple reunion. We seemed to be in the house in Aalst where I lived with my mother, sister and brother (out of three sisters and one brother). Suddenly, Rob emerged on the left. I recognized him immediately, there was no doubt in my mind. Hij was quite tall, very solidly built with blond hair, in his appearance of later age. Enthusiastically I walked toward him while calling out his name: “Rob! Rob!” and wanting to embrace him. But he moved quickly to the right. He did start speaking to me, but I could hardly catch up on anything he was saying. He seemed to give me instructions, but the only words I was able to hold on to, was “Heinrich Himmler”, from the German Nazi Reich. Very clearly, Rob didn’t want to distract me with a joyful reunion. I was ecstatic all the same, just for seeing him again. I did embrace him quickly. As far as I could tell, the “Heinrich Himmler” related to the aforementioned case of the Genverbrander. I said to Rob: “Rob, you are talking too fast, I can not follow you!”
July 28, 2017
After a hectic dream about Stan of the Genverbrander case, I woke up, and, to my amazement, saw the contours of my sweet plush lions jumping all around in the air. I thought to myself: do I see this right? and I even reached out, sleep-drunk, trying to touch them, to see what was going on. It seemed as though the lions had come alive, and hence, there was more than just the fact of Rob using them to manifest himself to me. This event has occurred several times. Sometimes I see several lions jumping simultaneously in the air like this, sometimes only one.
Moving in with Rob
On September 8, 2017, I had this dream about me moving in with Rob on the specific day of Saturday, September 9, 2017 (hence, the following day). In this dream, my mother Thérèse (she passed away in 2014, just like Rob) seemed anxious to want me to move out with her and move in with Rob. I said to her: “You seem to forget about Jolanda!” (Rob’s earthly girlfriend). But my mother wasn’t bothered by this at all, she didn’t seem to give it a second thought, as though she somehow knew that part wasn’t relevant anymore. I was a little offended about her eagerness to see me going, but the idea of living with Rob filled me with enormous joy. And it sure does, right now and every time I think about it!
October 6, 2017
This night I held Rob Lion Young in my embrace and without any effort, spontaneous orgasmic eruptions occurred and continued to occur, and later on, the Rob lion ended sitting on my belly in a bent posture, like holding on to me from a point below and turned towards me. When I go to sleep, I always spoon with one of the Rob Lion septuplet, so their back is turned toward me, so this was a different position. He was like devoting himself to me, the sweetest, warm energy spread from him. There was this intense happiness I couldn’t possibly describe, no matter how many words I would use. It was pure ecstasy (again). I could – and wanted to – hold him forever like this, a love sensation not from this world. But Rob wanted to achieve something with the way the Rob Young Lion was holding me.
I had been awake at night again, as I am almost ever single night, for a couple of hours, but I didn’t and don’t mind. In fact, I even appreciate the sleepless hours at night, because my mind is much clearer, even more intelligent so it seems, than in the daytime. I had emailed Pepijn van Erp, Rob’s board member colleague of the Dutch Skeptic Society and, after Rob’s passing, Rob’s successor as webmaster of skepsis.nl. As with Rob, Robbert van den Broeke was a starting point with Pepijn, because Van den Broeke had drawn Pepijn’s skeptical attention too and I responded to Pepijn’s article. In the previous year, 2011, Pepijn had started blogging on kloptdatwel.nl.I have been in ebb and flow email-contact with Pepijn since August 2012.
Pepijn means a great deal to me. I have learned, and still am learning a lot from him. Especially his high IQ intertwined with humor is something I find very appealing. He’s quite the ingenious skeptic and I do feel he and I have striking things in common, like our skeptic sense of humor and a lot of shared interests. Most important thing I learned from Pepijn is this: “Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups”. Just like the previously mentioned basic attitude I learned from Rob and Jan Willem Nienhuys, to keep your distance from ad hominems, consecutively to stay away from assumptions too, is one of the ground-rules of fairness towards your fellow man/woman. And if you take it further, of science itself. Always check if what you think about someone or something is true and look for the facts and evidence.
From personal experience I know what it feels like to be judged by people who don’t have their facts straight. Especially in the place where I come from, people were extremely negative and judgmental. Even people who haven’t dealt with you literally for decades still seem to know the current you better than you yourself, just based on their old! assumptions, which by the way is a double wrong (and that doesn’t make it right, either, like in – -=+).
Back to telling the dream. After this period of being awake, I had this remarkable dream about Pepijn which I believe was triggered by Rob.
We (it didn’t become clear who this “we” included) were in a city, school had just gone out, and I suddenly had a problem with my glasses, because out of the blue they were broken. A man also walked in the street and stroke up a conversation with me, but I doubted whether or not I should go with him. Pepijn, who walked behind me for a short time, was now catching up with me and walking to my left. I asked Pepijn: “What shall I do, go with him? I already was heading for this other man’s direction. However to my surprise, Pepijn playfully blocked my path with his body. I didn’t really expect a reaction from him because quite regularly he doesn’t respond. “Heb ik weer!”, he said in Dutch (his native language): “Just my luck!”, with a smile, and he maneuvered me to the right, catching me under my elbow, willing me to go with him.
“What do you want to do, go to the Disco Ball, go kickboxing?”, he asked me, still with this playful smile. He held me pretty tight, with his arm on my back, and I answered his grip, I held him as well. This felt so good!
I wanted him to kiss me too, and we did, for a moment. Does this really happen, I thought, Pepijn, who now suddenly, does take action? Intimately entwined we walked through the downtown street.
I then returned to normal daytime consciousness and was awake, with the sweetest Rob Young Lion holding me with this bent posture, which felt exactly the same as Pepijn and I holding each other in this dream, like wishing to selflessly give up his own rights in our relationship and, at least for this moment, gently pushing me towards Pepijn. Wanting me to choose life? Maybe it was a symbolic gesture?
I don’t ever want to distance myself from Rob again. His sudden leaving the Earth, and me, was something I could only tolerate once, and in fact: I couldn’t tolerate at all. On several occasions, like in telepathic communication (hence after his passing), Rob seems to express he would be thrilled, if I would “be” with other physical persons on Earth too, but I am not planning to do so. I am not willing to lose Rob from my daily (night)life, because I just know that would happen if I would start a new relationship. I already lost sight of so many loved ones, many birds I loved dearly included. I am afraid Rob would drift away, even though he would say he never would. And I think Rob has this jealous side too, even if he’s resisting it. I myself would feel the same. My main motivation however is that I don’t want anyone else. This time, I am not letting Death, the Grim Reaper, get away with his deeds by putting a distance between my soulmate and me, like he did with my other loved ones who passed over. Furthermore, I consider myself old, and my life over. Even for Rob and me, when he was still on the earth, the clock was ticking. Had only I met him in an earlier stage, when we had stood a fair chance. This “alternative” Rob/Bor Lion Love expression however is something else too, and in no way less! But still.
Already I have had quite some meaningful dreams about Pepijn, some with an astral hint. They were all positive. This too is comparable to the positive image my subconsciousness has of Rob. With regard to Rob I am the lioness, but with regard to Pepijn, I think I am the raven. One doesn’t have to limit oneself to one congenial animal. The Raven-Wolf bond, as it is explained on numerous locations, explains the bonding I feel towards Pepijn quite nicely.
Rob in the air
On October 27, 2017, I saw as it were Rob lying in the air, to my right, positioned higher than me, as if he was asleep, sleeping there, too, just like me.
The not-vegan whistle-lollipop
On November 21, 2017, I had a funny dream that I suspect was initiated, maybe even created by Rob. Again, I was kind of lost in a city unknown to me. Yet I was not alone, there were two people in my company. I passed an oliebollenkraam (Dutch word), a kind of donut stall. I decided to stop for a minute, even though I was following a group from a distance and probably would lose them now.
The man behind the counter of the stall had all kinds of treats, deep-fried raisin buns and chocolate patisserie too. I asked him if they were vegan, because I am, if there was any dairy butter et cetera in them. He replied there indeed was in at least half, and in the other half, egg was used. I was disappointed.
The man then offered me a chocolate lollipop that didn’t look quite vegan as well. I wanted to point this out to him, but he overruled my hesitation, and as a gesture brought the colorful lollipop to my lips. I didn’t refuse and put the lollipop in my mouth. To my surprise I discovered there was a whistle in it. Immediately I heard a funny tune with a dropping cadence. The broad smile this brought to my face was reflected in the face of the man, as he smiled at me, knowing of course all about his own magic lollipops and obviously anticipating my pleasure in discovering their magic. And yes, I think this man was Rob again, in one of his role-plays, living his life with me in parallel worlds.
November 22, 2017. After cycling for many hours, I sometimes am quite exhausted and have no lengthy cuddling energy left for the Rob/Bor lions. But I did have Most Male Rob lion in my embrace this whole night, with the perfect click again, this amazing and very constant, magical mix of love, support and eroticism. In the morning I suddenly discovered that the lion’s tail was perfectly vertically lined, like a morning wood, and the look on his lion face, which I found very funny, said: “Hey, don’t blame me!”. The lion’s tail was leaning against something and I hadn’t put him there like that.
Since December 2017, Rob’s penetrative energies are getting stronger, as if he is getting through much more powerfully. Maybe this shouldn’t be surprising, as his earthly passing was in May 2014 and, if all of this is true, Rob’s being there with me, now in spirit, already gave him three and a half experience years on the other side in reaching out to the physical form. Our erotical contact started expanding too around this time, in a broader spectrum than before, which I will not further discuss here.
The last days of December 2017, and to be specific, December 27, 2017, brought an ecstatic night filled with Rob love and kisses which I described in my diary as: “maybe the most amazing night ever with Rob through the lions”. I again had cycled far, 104 kilometers the day before, and during this ride I had this extremely pleasant mind movie of Rob and me, herding a flock of sheep, every day, all day(s), just the two of us, and then, every in between night, just Rob and me too, again, just the two of us, love making all night (or, well: almost all night, one has to sleep too of course). A very simple and even mind cracking, strange fantasy indeed, but maybe because of it, extremely powerful. I still consider this is one of the best of the hundreds of mind movies I have about Rob and me, living together in alternate worlds. I realize it must sound very bemusing, herding sheep in the daytime (why in heaven’s name, right?) and making love at night, but hey, life’s roads take many twists.
Striking things named separately
I often find the lions in funny positions, apparently caused by my own movements in the night. Sometimes though, I secretly wonder about that, if there’s more to it, Rob at work? For example, the Peace Bor lion is the one who always manages to get to the blanket, my favorite poncho or my sweater that is lying around, like somebody had very precisely wrapped him up for the night (and I swear, I didn’t do so). The Whiskers lion is sometimes hanging perfectly upside down between other lions in a very funny way. And last November, 2017, I suddenly found an “erect” Christmas hat, that had been lying around, it was standing on its own the morning I woke up, and I swear I didn’t do it. These hats are very weak in structure, so it’s weird alright. It was one of the Christmas hats I received when the Rob Jealous lion arrived. And recently I found the African Rob Lion in a position like he was flying.
Music and lovesongs
I am still struggling to find my way back to music. In the days long gone I was a real music addict, just like Rob. Something inside of me locked down along the way in the years of my marriage and opening the doors and windows to music once more, isn’t as easily done as it would seem.
I found a song posted on social media that I liked very much. It is: “If I Were Free”, performed by the band Edward Sharpe And The Magnetic Zeros.
Looking into the band I found a great treasure of songs. With their origin in in Los Angeles and classified as “Indie folk, psychedelic folk, gospel, neo-psychedelia”, it seems to me Rob led me to this ensemble. Their repertoire is like a bridge between Rob’s more “difficult” and my easier music taste.
It even goes beyond just the band itself. In one of the group’s key band members, I found what to me seems a true young Rob-lookalike; the way Rob could have looked would he have been a Californian band-member, and not the Chief editor of the Dutch skeptic magazine. You are looking at Orpheo McCord (and the clip I extracted these screenshots from is I Don’t Wanna Pray). By now, I don’t think I need to explain how this could fit in the role playing Rob seems to have been doing since he’s living with me in this “parallel world”.
The band also has a Lion song, with lyrics that, in mysterious ways, approach the content of my own Lion Hearts blog; the part about the astral event around the campfire, the forever-bonding between Rob and me. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros – In the Lion: But in the fire, there’s a heat to melt the cage around your soul.
To keep close to Rob, I want to mention a couple of emails about music Rob sent me. When in 2009, I specifically asked Rob for a love song, he came up with a couple.The first one he sent on May 13, 2009:
English Transcript of the Dutch emails displayed in the gallery below:
Rob quoting Sten (=Constantia): “The more often you remember your dreams, the more aware you are.”
Rob: Conscious of Lunteren!
Rob quoting Sten (=Constantia): “PS Do you have a nice love song for me?”
Rob: What do you think of this one? Also on youtube:
Hm, thanks, but that was not what I had in mind. Like something with a profound meaning, and a male voice. In my opinion this girl is too sweet, the song has little depth in terms of rhythm, and the lyrics aren’t exactly a love song.
And “Conscious of Lunteren” I don’t understand? I don’t know that expression?
A strong man’s voice, haha. No, that’s not it. I never pay much attention to the lyrics. I did play it to others before, but nobody seemed to like it much. Yet I give this number a 10. Beautiful cadence, subtle guitar playing, and then that concertina at the end contrary to the violin, I think this is an aesthetic masterpiece. The simplicity and the repetitive element speaks to me too. I know singers with a better voice, but I take that for granted, because she wrote the song herself.
Maybe I’ll find a male voice that doesn’t sound so fragile. But first I have to
continue with Skepter. And then file my postponed taxes to get rid of everything again.
I visited Lunteren in my dream. but I didn’t know where it was. I had to look it up on Google Maps to see where it was when I woke up.
The second lovesong he then sent me, on May 25, 2009, isn’t available on YouTube anymore. It was the most unruly love song I ever heard, sung by a “savage” with a beard, playing an instrument, performing, well, very uncommon music. It wouldn’t be high in the charts, let’s keep it at that. 😉
English transcript of emails:
are you still awake?
Here the love song that you still had credit:
Seeking Vice Versa
Often to me it seems, Rob is seeking me as much, and as desperately, as I am seeking him. And believe it or not, sometimes even a daytime “separation” could deem a long time, like as we would have been separated for weeks, and the reunification is no less. Very enthusiast, longing for each other.
The lions quite regularly feel very dense shaped, like a human body would, so much heavier than their light, plush bodies, with a very dominant, extremely physical “grip”, it’s hard to find the right words. It can be very sexually charged as well.
Rob, through the plush lions, has a very calming and even healing effect on my troubled head. A true allergy patient, living in a valley that is troubled by bad air quality, I often have headaches and experience an uncomfortably tired, heavy feeling in my head, like an iron fog. Often, when I lay my head against one of the septuplet lions, my pain or discomfort is lifted considerably. The same goes for the lion paws or lion head put to my forehead or wherever I feel pain or distress. You can imagine how grateful I am.
Something else mind-blowing is that Rob helping me with a jaw problem I obviously had all my life, without ever realizing it. It’s completely physical, so we are not taking “spirit operations” here. I can’t go into detail, because I feel it’s too private. You just have to take my word for it and maybe one day, see or hear the difference, because this jaw predisposition does affect my speech too. I really have no clue how Rob discovered this problem, but he did. It fits the image I have of him by now of a very keen observer and genuinely interested lover and soulmate. Someone who truly observes and then, helps.
Getting better all the time
Another striking phenomenon is that the erotic encounters between Rob and me, so often intermediated by the plush lion inner crew, the septuplet, seems to constantly get better, even when that really isn’t possible, because, to me a lot of these encounters already seem the very best of the best, without any exaggeration. What could better than the as “Better than Heaven!” perceived level, right? Maybe it’s a phenomenon related to singing at the right pitch in music. The conductor of the student choir I was in during my teachers training sometimes pointed out to us, when we were rehearsing new songs like “Carmina Burana, O Fortuna“, that we should sing like we were going upwards with our voices, reaching higher than we thought we should. Thén he said, we were in fact staying at the right pitch and not sinking below. Our choir was rehearsing a broad repertoire, besides the Carmina for example West Side Story’s: “One Hand, One Heart”. My oh my, I suddenly remember this conductor’s name was Rob too, but this Rob looked totally different, with dark hair and dark eyes!
Remarkable too are Rob’s kissing skills, which he has brought to staggering heights. Through the septuplet lions and even without the necessity of further sexual exchange, his slow, very attentive kisses cause rapid orgasmic outbursts in my mind and body. It’s like being lifted to another plane of existence and pleasure! altogether.
Unique is the fact that since Rob’s passing in 2014 I no longer have noteworthy astral-eroticism experiences with other spirits and energies7. This truly is remarkable, because, independently from any relationship I had since I had the age of 18, the age that my out-of-body experiences started to occur, I always had astral eroticism experiences in all sorts of ways and encounters. It’s hardly anything you can control, at least, it was like that for me. I tried for years. You would have to read my books (you could if you read Dutch), but I can tell you up front: I didn’t succeed. The only tactic for me not to get into astral eroticism while having out-of-body experiences and related events, was to use the tactic of postponing, like tricking “demanding” spirits and or energies with a “I will get back at you later” tactic, and then this “later” wouldn’t come.
Frequent astral travelers like Robert Monroe and William Buhlman talked about the phenomenon of astral eroticism as well. I pondered elaborately on it in my books “Through The Window” and “Through The Gate” myself. I don’t feel the need to repeat and explain all my past thoughts and statements about this here. But my touching base on an erotic level with so many others in the “spiritual world” seems to have subsided. It’s now (almost?) Rob only. I don’t have a conclusive explanation for this, as this astral eroticism is no one-way traffic, because spirits and “energies” have a will of their own, and this will of them may very well deviate (strongly) from yours. Alongside, there is the phenomenon of getting sexually aroused by the process of going out-of-your-body itself. In the past I thought the instant awakening of “erotic feelings” during the “disconnection from the physical body” was brought upon by something like the “movement of the chakras”, but today I would say more research is needed before drawing any final conclusions.
Thinking rather boldly out loud now, it could be that spirits and energies are trying to do some snooping around, trying to secretly or not so secretly enjoy the Rob and me encounters, like voyeurs. I don’t have a clear vision of all astral things going on around me. Then of course I would assume that there is indeed something like the astral world, as I have always suspected, even after immersing myself in the skeptical world for many years now. As it might have become clear by now, I tend to deviate a little from the standard view of what the astral plane is and for that matter, what the “astral experience” really is. Through out-of-body experiences, dreams and many other very rich transit roads of the mind, we may be (already) living our lives in parallel worlds, in a multiverse, during the night (and day). We are still in the early stages of our understanding of the true nature of the world and its possibilities.
I am not willing myself by any means into this new astral-eroticism state, for example to be faithful to Rob. It just happens. Rob is most important to me, he’s my “soulmate”, that’s very obvious. I don’t know if and when at some point the others will return to my astral-erotic life. Since Rob’s earthly parting in 2014, Pepijn van Erp seems to be the only one (able of) passing the threshold of the “more-than-friendship” feelings in my dreams and astral events.
Rob traveling to me! 💘
While I was waiting for the divorce to get finalized before finding myself able to publish this blog, something else major was going on, something that fits perfectly, like the missing link or puzzle piece.
In 2017 I busied myself with ordering media files of Rob Nanninga’s public interviews on the website Beeld en Geluid (“Vision And Sound”). I thought I was dealing with radio interviews only. Since the order would be a bit expensive from the United States, I had put it on hold since July 2017. But if I really would have wanted it, I could have proceeded quicker. I don’t know why I didn’t, but it so turned out that in February 2018, the “Bird Lady” (> she bears the name of a wise bird) of Beeld en Geluid was asking me once again, if I was ready to move ahead with my order, as they had postponed it for me two times already.
As circumstances would have it, I had just received my share of the 2018 tax return and had some extra money to spend. So I made a money order to The Netherlands, paid and then four files were sent.
To my surprise, it turned out one of the media files was a DVD, and I was very eagerly anticipating it. Would I receive “new”, rare image footage of Rob Nanninga? Images of him were very scarce as Rob had been avoiding appearing in public for many years. But as fate would have it, due to a mistake on their website, three out of four files, the DVD too, I received were the wrong ones. They were all a day too early with regards to Rob Nanninga’s appearance in that specific show. On their website, with three out of four media files of Rob, they had posted two consecutive days and I had consequently chosen the first. But it should have been the second date mentioned. Example:
While I was playing the CDs and DVD, I was very eagerly awaiting Rob’s voice and image (on the DVD), but only one CD delivered to expectation. I was put to the test while watching the TV show with Jomanda and trying to keep the faith. I thought: maybe Rob will appear in the last ten minutes or so. But no, this is what I saw at the show’s conclusion; can you imagine my disappointment, the “Oh no”-effect it had on me, having waited for a long time to see Rob in new imagery!, then hearing this: 😱 (she is announcing Rob for the next day!)
But even this was right somehow, because Rob kept me waiting before, and yes, this would be the way that he would arrive: with an advance notice, and letting me wait some more. Never in a hurry, taking his time. He once sent me this clip he liked very much, and since then, I do too:
“I’ve got a love that keeps me waiting…” 🎶
I had to contact the Bird Lady of Beeld en Geluid again. On March 5, 2018, after another spectacular night with Rob Lion Young, very much initiated by Rob it did seem, I was emailing her again after she had replied to me about the wrong three media files. She promised to send me the right remaining three.
And then suddenly, shortly after sending this email to her, lying in the bathtub and contemplating dates mentioned in the last emails, a penny dropped. I am so slow-witted! 🐌
We were talking about a DVD of Rob in 1995. A younger Rob! He was the guest in the show “De Week van” (The Week Of), presented by Tineke de Groot as the guest of the notorious Jomanda (I am taking the skeptic side on this one). Could this be the TV show Rob was talking to me about, the show in which he wore a blue jacket specially purchased for the occasion?8
Suddenly, the previous night with Rob Lion Young and Rob’s eagerness this night made sense. Rob already knew the penny was going to drop the next day. I was going to receive a DVD with this or a younger Rob! It never even occurred to me a TV show with a younger Rob was still available.
On March 20, 2018, the three remaining, and this time correct, media files arrived in Davis, and to my exhilaration, I did receive a TV show with the younger Rob, albeit dressed in a neat beige jacket, not blue. So I still don’t know what TV show he was talking about with regards to this blue jacket and “1992”. But the ultimate sweetness, to finally see him live, in a younger form too!9 While waiting for the files two times and exactly five weeks altogether (I had paid on Tuesday, February 13, 2018 and received all four correct media files on Tuesday, March 20, 2018), it had felt as Rob was traveling to me, a very happy feeling. He and I, together (again, and again, and again and…)!
On the same day I posted this video of him on YouTube, and I am pleased to present it here too:
Thanks to this video I am able to expand the available sparse list of photos of Rob. I am mesmerized by Rob’s sweet, beautiful, wise and to me, hypnotic eyes, and smile. I am again like hypnotized, falling in love with him, over and over again.
Rob’s eyes are huge and have these immense deep quality to them. I wish for once I was a poet to be able to describe what I see. Rob gets these special stars in his eyes. My drawing of him didn’t feel complete until I was able to get a hold of Rob’s magic.
In his eyes you can see this enormous tranquil patience, love, peace and most of all: unfathomable depth. By the way, his beautiful lips are something else too. Perfect sweetness, and I think I know very well by now how his kisses feel! Click for a larger view.
There is another aspect of Rob: his voice. I have uploaded three of his radio interviews on Soundcloud.
Remarkable enough, his voice to me seems to be a mixture of the voices of people I know well. It’s foremost the way he speaks, in measured words, with a typical cadence I typify as “skeptical”. To me his voice is a mixture of most definitely his and my good friend and his fellow Skepsis Board member Jan Willem Nienhuys, also fellow Skepsis Board member and previously mentioned Pepijn van Erp ánd Dutch singer and (former) DJ, Jack-of-all-trades, Henk Westbroek. Trivia: Rob (full name: Roelof Hendrik) shares the name “Hendrik” with Henk Westbroek (full name: Hendrik Otto).
I have to finish now, but not without telling the effect especially the new video and audios of him have on me. All these years I am able to love and “see” him with only a minimum of photos and video material. I once wrote him: I can see you with my eyes closed, even if you are at the other end of the universe.10 I still feel this is true. But lately, I started longing for him, to have just one bit more of him, to see him with my physical eyes and to hear him, with my physical ears. And he did arrive and gave me that. The already perceptible effect is that receiving the Rob files has boosted and spiked my Rob encounters even further.
Now that the divorce is final, my out-of-body experiences seem to return in full force again. I want to conclude with a very brief summary of an astral encounter in the “parallel world” with Rob on 5 April, 2018. I was with Rob in a homely room elsewhere (a parallel world again), and he took me on his shoulders and carried me, supposedly wild, but the pace was quite bearable, through the room, playing he was Quasimodo. We had immense fun together like this. Through a completely meaningless shallow round ledge in the wall he threw a few coins, as if these were the necessary coins to get a gaming machine to start. This too was quite hilarious. When returning to my room in Davis, the name “Quasimodo” came to mind. Remarkable about this is, that I neither know book nor movie. I only remember seeing trailer-like fragments of the Disney movie and, maybe in the past, reading a few paragraphs somewhere about Quasimodo. Again, as with all Rob’s other role plays, I see this as an indication that this is really coming from Rob. I couldn’t imagine myself coming up with this Quasimodo idea. Furthermore, before Rob’s passing, I never engaged in role play in any way. Rob has really introduced this to me.
 See Lion Hearts III.
 I do want to thank Sjaan van Altena for her virtual soundboard on both the Robbert van den Broeke/Stan case and my personal things.
 Sten Oomen, Door Het Raam, Uitgeverij Schors, 2004: Gewijzigde en uitgebreide druk van de uitgave uit 2000 (Sigma Press), Amsterdam, Part II, page 316-320.
 Bears are known to be meaningful dream symbols. There are countless dream dictionaries and helpful books and webpages about these and other symbols.
 See Lion Hearts IV.
 See Lion Hearts IV.
 For more about these “spirits and energies”, you could read my books, especially my first and second one, provided you are Dutch or able to read Dutch.
Sten Oomen, Door Het Raam, Uitgeverij Schors, 2004: Gewijzigde en uitgebreide druk van de uitgave uit 2000 (Sigma Press), Amsterdam.
Sten Oomen, Door De Poort, DHR Soul Travel, 2007.
 See Lion Hearts I.
 In October 2010, Pepijn van Erp discovered Rob Nanninga’s appearance of 2001 in a Dutch TV show called “Het Zwarte Schaap” was available on YouTube and devoted a short article to this on the website Kloptdatwel.nl.
 See Lion Hearts II.
The magic continues, more and more puzzle pieces that fall into place: – to be continued